What is sexuality?

I recently read a book where sexuality was described as the human way of attempting to re-connect with one another and with God. It doesn't necessarily only refer to 'sex' with people, but with the desire to intimately connect with people.

The book states that sexuality has two dimensions - firstly, our awareness of how profoundly we are severed and disconnected from each other and God. And secondly the ways in which we go about trying to re-connect.

(I have deliberately not referenced this book, because I'm not 100% sure that the author of the book would appreciate his work being linked with some of the content on this page. For anyone interested in learning more, please feel free to leave a comment or email me.)

It goes on to say that even people who live chaste lives can be very sexual people. It gives a variety of examples, and this point particularly hit home for me.

For a long time, I've had people refer to me or tell me that they see me as a very sexual person. At first I thought this was just because I talk about sex. A lot. But apparently it's more than that.

Even before the age of 19, when I first had sex, I was referred to as a sexual person - and this was back when I was uncomfortable talking about sex because I hadn't had it yet. And over the past six and a half years where I haven't had sex, haven't been in a relationship, and to be perfectly honest, haven't been looking, sexy and sexual are still words that have been used to describe me.

I don't see myself as sexy. Sure, I'm pretty. I have nice breasts, and a nice shape, I guess. But I'm overweight and have been self-conscious about my body for as long as I can remember ... until recently, I guess. But I do have confidence and maybe that's what it is.

I definitely never saw myself as sexual, but over time, I have realised that I am. I could never really define it until I read the definition of sexuality written in this book.

Because I am all about connecting with people. I recently told a man that I don't do superficial. I'm not interested in your cat's name or what you had for breakfast. I don't want you to ask me whether I've had a nice day or what my plans are for the weekend. I want to know what drives you, what your soul looks like, what you would do if you could do anything in the world for a living.

I want to know what makes you tick. I want to know what makes you excited about getting up in the morning, and what brings you down. I want to know where you go when things look like they're never going to go right again.

In essence, I want to know everything about everyone, and everything about the world.

And if sexuality is about the ways in which we try to reconnect with people, then I am definitely a sexual person.

But in terms of physicality and 'sex' in the now commonly used sense of the world, it has never really been that big a deal for me ... unless I'm in a relationship. My first 'real' relationship was when I was nineteen, and I started sleeping with this guy after about six weeks of dating. Some people might say that's a long time, and others might say it's nothing. For me it was both - we were both living in the same boarding house and saw each other every. Pretty much every night we would explore the physical side of our relationship, and six weeks was a real test for me.

And once I'd started, I didn't want to stop.

I love sex.

There's really no other way to put it. I love everything about it. I love being at the mercy of another person for pleasure. I love being in control of that over someone else. I love giving head ... pretty much more than anything else. In this, I truly believe it is better to give than to receive. The power I have in that moment is almost more of a turn on than anything physical that someone could do to me.

And I thrive on that connectedness with that person. When in that moment, you subconsciously and spiritually understand that you can never be closer to a person than you are in that moment. Wow - just writing that gave me shivers.

I can see why people get addicted to it.

It was always something that I knew that I would have to watch out for. I have always known that I have an addictive personality, so things like alcohol, drugs and sex are things that I have always treated with respect, knowing that they could easily have the power to control me, rather than the other way around.

But I have also known that sex was something that I only wanted to share with people that were special to me. In my less serious 'relationships' - which usually occur straight after I've had my heart broken - I have managed to do 'everything but' with several guys, always making it clear beforehand that I'm not sure how far I want to go and always when they've asked ('Oh please baby, I want to be inside you so bad!'), calmly said 'I'm sorry, but that's as far as I want to go'. And then I've given them the best blow job they've ever had in their life to make up for their disappointment.

So I find myself in an interesting situation at the moment. Until this year, the physical side of relationships - friendships mainly - was something completely unexplored for me. I didn't like people touching me. It was a standard rule, and everyone who knows me knows this. My close friends could hug me and comfort me when I was upset, and hugs for greetings and goodbyes were also permissible. Beyond this ... nothing. Affection was shown by words and deeds, not by physicality.

I'm not sure why this changed. I went overseas with an amazing group of people early this year and somehow I let go of a lot of baggage I was carrying around in respect of relationships - both romantic and otherwise. I finally let down my walls and trusted people, and found that, for the most part, they didn't let me down. And so it was okay to cuddle and hold hands and hug and generally just be affectionate. One of my favourite memories is of five of us curled up together on my sleeping bag under the stars, talking and enjoying the closeness of the moment.

Of course, the boy happened while I was over there too. The one who shall not be named and the one about whom I write, mostly. The who I believe is my soul mate and who still has my heart, even though he has said he doesn't want it. (Note to self - you need to do something about that.)

I've never had a connection with anyone like this in my life. I could write for hours about only this, but I won't. Essentially this was the first person I have connected with so perfectly on every level - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, philosophically. And so when the opportunity arose to connect with him physically, there was no way that I could say no. And in giving that part of myself to him - for just one night - I lost all of myself and found all of myself again.

I came back physically affectionate, and it took a lot of my friends aback. They didn't know what to make of this new me, the one who would hold hands or sit close or put her arms around them.

And I came back craving and desiring much more physicality. Much, much more. Initially just from he who must not be named, but now just more. I was about to say 'I don't care from whom', but that's not true. I want it to be from someone who loves and adores and cherishes me and with whom I'm connected with on that level.

But let's be honest - that doesn't come along every day.

And you know what, curling up in the arms of a relative stranger who, at least for a night, is happy to pretend that he feels that way, goes a long way to one feeling loved and adored and cherished.

A couple of weeks back I took the very out of character step of inviting a man to my bed whilst at a party at a friend's house. It was purely fun, no strings attached, no commitments, no promises. And I made my usual speech about not being sure how far I wanted to go, and he was okay with that. And we laughed and we touched and we kissed and we hugged and we didn't go all the way and it was fine. And I fell asleep in his arms and it was completely comfortable and nice.

Of course, I thought about the nameless one many times throughout the whole experience, which did have a bit of a dampening effect.

But it was still nice and it was safe and I wouldn't say no to it happening again.

Is this me acting out my sexuality, or is this me trying to fill a void or a need within me that has been left because my heart is still a little bit broken? Is this me trying to re-connect with the world or is it me trying to prove that I am still beautiful and valuable and wanted, even though the one I want doesn't want me?

I've had to cut off all contact with one of my closest friends because my physical desires were jeopardising our friendship. Surely that's not just a healthy way of me acting out my sexuality?

And what about this blog, this attempt at amateur erotica and somehow getting my fantasies out of my head and into the world sometimes ... is this my expressing my sexuality, or is this a dark little secret that is actually making things worse, rather than better?

All I know for now is that I long for something that I don't have, and can see no chance of having in the immediate or intermediate future. And that makes me both sad and incredibly sexually frustrated.

Knowing what you're missing is definitely worse than not knowing.

At my desk...

They say that returning from an overseas trip is a little like PTSD. Some of the symptoms are the same - intense physical reactions and flashbacks and dreams about the situation.

That certainly has been my experience, from the whole trip.

But nothing more than that night on the coast. In fact, most of my memories from all our time there are from that night. I can remember other things, but the flashbacks, the dreams, are all that night.

The way my skirt billowed in the thick, tropical breeze. The feel of your stubble on my face as you leaned over to kiss me, to let that local know that he wasn't welcome and that maybe, just maybe, I was yours.

Stumbling across the hotel foyer and up the stairs. Mock-fighting about whether the air-conditioning was on and the windows were closed to make sure those infernal mosquitos were outside.

And always, still always, there's the image of you above me, inside me, biting your lip as you thrust inside me, my hands holding your arms, nails pressing in, struggling to keep myself from crying out. The feeling when you bent down again to kiss me, deeply, passionately, before locking eyes with me as we both came.

I'm sitting at my desk and I have goosebumps. My breathing is deep and irregular and my heart is racing. I can feel my clit swelling up and my pussy clenches and I'm beginning to get wet just thinking about it. The shivers begin up my spine and neck and I close my eyes and bite my lip. I'm worried that my boss is about to walk in, but still the memory remains, flashing before me again with intensity. My nipples get hard and my legs start to shake.

Why, why do you haunt me like this? Why whenever your shirt lifts up just slightly to show your stomach do I go weak at the knees? Why is it that most of the time when you smile that crooked smile at me I just smile back, but every now and then I feel dizzy as though I need to pass out? Why would we have that just the once, and never again?

And why would the flashback come when I'm at my desk at work?

Why?

And this is where I sleep...

"You'll be in here," I say, showing you the room, "And this is where I sleep. So if you want to come in to spoon, you know where to go."

We both laugh. Then, smiling and making eye contact, "Just so that we're completely clear, you are very welcome to come and spoon with me. No joke."

You half smile, somewhat taken aback by my boldness.

Later, I hear you unpacking a little because, after all, you're here a couple of days. Then, it's quiet. Just as I start to fall asleep I hear the door open, and footsteps then - my name, in a voice barely above a whisper.

"Mmmmm?" I reply sleepily.
"Can I come in?"
"Of course."

I open up the covers and you slide in next to me. I roll on my side to face you.

"You're naked," you say, your eyes smilng.
"I do everything naked nowadays. Well, at home. Naked lawyering hasn't really caught on yet."
You laugh.
"No, I don't suppose it would."

You open up your arms for me to come and snuggle with you. I move across, resting my head on your shoulder. Snuggling in close, I sigh contentedly. You say: "I wasn't sure that I was going to get to do this again. I wasn't sure that you were serious when you said what you said, and I was sure that I'd blown it."

I shrug. "I'm not asking you to marry me. I just want to enjoy what we have."

You pull me closer and as you do your left arm reaches across and you start brushing my left nipple with your thumb. I immediately get goosebumps.

"Is that so?" you ask, and I can hear the smile in your voice. I nudge you playfully.
"Yes," I reply.

Carefully resting my head back against the pillow, you turn and begin to kiss me, your hand not letting up from it's playful caress. Our tongues meet, softly, gently, and then you begin to kiss my jaw, my neck and down to my chest. Lifting your head, you stroke the backs of your hand across my body and I relax and tense all at once. I shiver and you smile.

Suddenly, I am playful. I roll over and push you beneath me. You laugh and I push you firmly onto the bed as I bend down to whisper in your ear - "I want to go down on you so bad right now."

I immediately feel you stiffen underneath me, and your breath begins to deepen.

"And I want you to come in my mouth."
"Are you serious?" you ask.
"If you don't, there will be trouble. I mean it, I want you to come in my mouth, or else I'm going to punish you." I dig my fingernails into your upper arms as I say this, to prove my point.

The atmosphere immediately changes, and I can feel the sexual tension between us becomes palpable. I straddle you, rubbing your cock beneath your boxers with my pussy. I kiss you deeply, intensely and then kiss across your jaw, and down your neck. These are not soft butterfly kisses though, no. These are licking, sucking kisses to prepare you for what is to come. As I kiss down your chest, I catch your right nipple up in my teeth and bite - hard enough to hurt a little. I hear a little exclaimation from you and feel you flex beneath me.

I begin to slide down your body, and as I do I catch up your hands - the left I place on my left breast and the right I begin to kiss and suck. Slowly, one by one, I lick each of your fingers and suck it, all the way to the bottom, staring straight into your eyes as I do so. Already I can see that you are about to moan. I nibble the fingertip of your index finger before I kiss your stomach and in a fluid movement, pull down your boxers.

Your cock immediately springs up hard, the very tip glistening with the first hints of desire. I sigh deeply as I take it in my hands and lightly run my fingernails up and down. I feel you flex again, and as I kneel down to get in position to take you in my mouth, you shift slightly for a better view.

Slowly, I lick the very tip of your cock, tasting you. Running the tip of my tongue around your head, I grasp the shaft lightly, stroking. Then slowly but firmly, I run the tip of my tongue down the underside of your shaft, all the way down to your balls. I make my way up licking and sucking before getting to the very top and going all the way down on you, your cock pushing way down into my throat.

You let out a deep moan and your right hand comes to rest on my head.

I look up, distracted, but smiling. "If you push me down, I will stop."
You nod distractedly and barely above a whisper you say, "Don't stop."

I repeat the process, this time taking your balls in my mouth and sucking them gently. I lick all the way up your shaft and then suck your head for a few moments. I can taste you beginning to come and so I take your shaft in my hand and begin to rhythmically go down on you to the point where I won't gag (damn you for being so big!) and stroke the rest of you with my hand. I can feel your breathing deepen and you begin to whimper a little. "Oh baby," you whisper, "oh, fuck!" Your hand tightens in my hair, and I can feel you have to restrain yourself from pushing my head down.

Faster and faster I go, up and down on your hardness, and I can taste you. You want to come and I want to make you.

After a while though you say, "I don't think I'm going to."
I stop, lick my lips and sit up. "I'm sorry, was I not good enough?"

"Fuck," you say, "No, that was ... amazing. Seriously, the best I've ever had. It's just ... I don't know."
I raise my eyebrows and move back up your body. "You know what this means, don't you?"

Still somewhat dazed, you shake your head. "You need to be punished." I slap your leg with my open hand. You smile.
"Do you think I'm joking do you?" Grabbing your arms, I push them up firmly behind your head, cuffing them tightly with my own, much smaller hands. "If these hands move, even a single centimetre, I will stop everything I am doing - do you understand?"

You nod, smiling, interested by this change in persona.

"I'm serious, if I feel you lay so much as a finger on me, I will stop and this will all end, right here."
"I understand."

I release your hands and pretending to be unaware of the fact that my breasts are tantalisingly close to your face, I massage your head and neck and begin to kiss your forehead and face.

"Close your eyes," I whisper, and you obey.

I continue to kiss you softly, leaving a trail of kisses across your face. As I come close to your lips, you turn your head to try and meet me. "You may kiss me back if I kiss you," I say, generously.
"Thank you mistress," you say, smiling.
"I quite like that. You may call me that also."

I kiss you on the lips, firmly but gently, softly slipping my tongue through your lips to meet yours. I gently nibble your bottom lip before moving across your jaw and down the right side of your neck.

Again, I kiss down your neck to your chest, this time softly and gently, and I nibble your nipple gently. I move across to the left and then back up your chest and neck to your mouth.

"How are you going there?" I ask, between kisses. Your breath has evened out, but I can still feel the desire coursing through you.
"I'm great," you say, breathing deeply.
"No temptation to let those hands go wandering?" I ask as I nibble your ear.
"None at all."
"Good."

I make my way down your throat and chest to your stomach, where I plant kisses in concentric circles out to your hips and back. Sitting up, I brush my fingertips over every part of your upper body. You shiver.

"Everything okay?" I ask.
"Fine," you reply, relaxed.

I move across to one side of the bed and begin kissing down from your stomach to your groin, this time avoiding your cock. I can feel you tense each time I come close, willing me to go closer, but I ignore it to move down your leg and then back up to the inside of your thigh. I repeat this on the other side and then run my hands lightly over your upper legs, inner thigh and groin. Laying so that my head is on your shoulder but I am still able to reach between your legs, I whisper, "Are you sure you're okay?"

It's clearly getting more difficult for you to concentrate. "Uh huh," you say.

I trail my fingertips up your inner thigh and then across your cock. It had been hard, but relaxed, but as soon as my fingers touch it, it springs up again. I whisper in your ear "I'm going to go down on you again." You moan.

I put my lips on the tip of your cock and trace around it with my tongue. Moving my head ever so slightly up and down, I suck your head, using the tip of my tongue to make circles. I can feel you tense and realise that it is now becoming a real struggle to not move your hands from behind your head.

Suddenly, I go all the way down on you, ramming your cock down my throat. Your hands come away, and I stop. "Uh uh uh! Remember - hands to yourself or it's all over."

"Come on baby! This is torture!" You replace your hands.

I start again, this time trailing my fingers across your balls and then beginning down there, taking them in my mouth and gently sucking before moving back up, using my lips and the tip of my tongue to stimulate you. As I get to the top I begin to lick you, like an ice-cream, and I pretend that I'm about to go back down the outside, but instead I quickly take all of you in my mouth again, and then grab your shaft and start going down and rubbing you simutaneously.

You control yourself for about 15 seconds before you grab me and throw me back on the bed.

"You are going to get it now!"
A smile spreads across my face. "Am I? I sure hope so!"
"You are so naughty. What you did was very mean - you've been a naughty girl."

You roll me over onto my front.

"You've been so naughty that I think I need to spank you."

I shiver at the mere thought of this. Gently, you spank my ass. I squeal softly.

You lean down over to whisper in my ear, "Oh, do you like that do you?"
I nod into the pillow. "Uh huh!"
"Well then..."

You kiss and nibble my earlobe and then kiss down the back of my neck before spanking me on the bum again, this time a bit harder. I squeal again.

You kiss down my back, massaging my bum with one hand, the other resting in my hair. Out of the blue, you spank me again, harder. I squeal louder.

Your mouth reaches my lower back, and quickly you bite me on the top of my bum before spanking me, several times, hard enough to hurt a little, but soft enough to turn me on more than I ever have been before. I squeal again. Deftly, push my legs apart and put your fingers inside me. I squirm in delight and move so that you are able to go deeper. Rubbing your other hand up and down my back, you watch as my breathing deepens and I begin to whimper.

"Oh, you like that do you?"
"Deeper..." I say, between moans.
"Deeper? Like this?" You firmly but gently push deep down inside me, onto my g-spot and I feel that I might pass out from pleasure.
"Is this okay?" you ask.

I push myself up onto my elbows. "I want you to do me doggy. I want it so bad."

I hear your intake of breath in surprise.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, please please please will you do me from behind? I want you inside me so bad. I want you to come inside me."

Without a further invite, you take out your fingers and pull my hips up so that I'm on my knees. Slowly, you start pushing against me from behind. The feel of you cock moving further and further inside me with each thrust is amazing. Soon, you are all the way in, pulling almost all the way out and thrusting deep and slow. I can feel one hand resting on my back as the other massages my bum.

"Harder!" I command, and you thrust harder, pushing deep inside me right on my g-spot. I can feel your breathing begin to shudder and you begin to jerk with pleasure. Goosebumps form all over my body and I begin to clench as you pull out to heighten the pleasure. Suddenly, I'm on the verge and my whimpers turn into moans. Your hand tightens on my ass and I can feel that you are about to come also. Just as you begin to slow down, your juices spurting into me, I have an explosion of my own that makes my whole body jerk and tremble.

As you lay down beside me, my eyes are half closed and I'm still having aftershocks. You wrap your arms around me and I wrap my legs around yours.

Kissing me on the cheek you whisper in my ear, "This is not what I was expecting we would do tonight..."