The reason we can't be friends is because every time I watch a movie with a sex scene, everytime I see two of my friends kissing, and every time I get into bed, I remember what it was like to be in your arms.
I remember what is was like to have you kissing me, gently at first and then deeper, more fiercely. I remember how you kissed and bit all the way down my back and even on the bum before you put your fingers inside of me.
I remember digging my fingernails into your arms as you moved above me. I remember looking into your eyes and having you lean down to kiss me while you moved inside of me.
I remember what it was like to be in your arms when it was over.
I confided in my best friend at the time that it wasn't the most amazing sex I've ever had, and to an extent, that's true. But in terms of the feelings attached to it, the meaning of it, and the memory of it - it was.
And I don't think I can get over it.
I mean, obviously one day I'll get over it. I don't think I'm ruined for all men for life (you're not that good). But I don't think I can sit next to you and pretend that everything is fine when all I can think about is how I want you take my clothes off and press your mouth to my nipples again, licking and biting.
I don't know how to be friends with someone I've been that intimate with. I don't know how to go back to something platonic ... and even if I want to.
Because if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to. I have fallen completely and utterly for you. I am smitten. Even though you've broken my heart, you're still the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I think about when I fall asleep is imagining your arms around me. At least twenty times a day I want to text you, and at least ten times a day I want to hear your voice. I still think about what it would be like to be allowed to kiss you whenever I wanted, to hold your hand and to sit with you in a way that made it clear that I'm yours.
And I don't want to not feel that anymore. There's probably something sickeningly perverse about that - that I want to feel that way even though it hurts so much.
It's probably that I'm just not ready yet to let the idea of 'us' go. Even though you (quite clearly) have told me that for you, there was no us, there was this friendship - which even you admit is something totally and completely beyond - and there was one night, which was fun and you don't regret and was an expression of our relationship. And somehow, those two things are separate.
I don't get that. But I respect it. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. There's nothing I can do about it.
But there's nothing I can do about my feelings either. And I just don't know that I can be friends after sharing what we did. It meant more to me than that. I want more from you than that. And if I can't have it ... well, I'm not sure that I want anything. It's too hard.
It's too hard to remember your face in that moment, and know that I'll never see it again.
I remember what is was like to have you kissing me, gently at first and then deeper, more fiercely. I remember how you kissed and bit all the way down my back and even on the bum before you put your fingers inside of me.
I remember digging my fingernails into your arms as you moved above me. I remember looking into your eyes and having you lean down to kiss me while you moved inside of me.
I remember what it was like to be in your arms when it was over.
I confided in my best friend at the time that it wasn't the most amazing sex I've ever had, and to an extent, that's true. But in terms of the feelings attached to it, the meaning of it, and the memory of it - it was.
And I don't think I can get over it.
I mean, obviously one day I'll get over it. I don't think I'm ruined for all men for life (you're not that good). But I don't think I can sit next to you and pretend that everything is fine when all I can think about is how I want you take my clothes off and press your mouth to my nipples again, licking and biting.
I don't know how to be friends with someone I've been that intimate with. I don't know how to go back to something platonic ... and even if I want to.
Because if I'm honest with myself, I don't want to. I have fallen completely and utterly for you. I am smitten. Even though you've broken my heart, you're still the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I think about when I fall asleep is imagining your arms around me. At least twenty times a day I want to text you, and at least ten times a day I want to hear your voice. I still think about what it would be like to be allowed to kiss you whenever I wanted, to hold your hand and to sit with you in a way that made it clear that I'm yours.
And I don't want to not feel that anymore. There's probably something sickeningly perverse about that - that I want to feel that way even though it hurts so much.
It's probably that I'm just not ready yet to let the idea of 'us' go. Even though you (quite clearly) have told me that for you, there was no us, there was this friendship - which even you admit is something totally and completely beyond - and there was one night, which was fun and you don't regret and was an expression of our relationship. And somehow, those two things are separate.
I don't get that. But I respect it. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. There's nothing I can do about it.
But there's nothing I can do about my feelings either. And I just don't know that I can be friends after sharing what we did. It meant more to me than that. I want more from you than that. And if I can't have it ... well, I'm not sure that I want anything. It's too hard.
It's too hard to remember your face in that moment, and know that I'll never see it again.
