Sweet solemnity...

I can't do this anymore.

What? you say, distracted, looking around from your desk at me sitting crosslegged on your bed.

This I reply, gesturing with open arms to you and I. I can't do this anymore.

There is no this, you say.

I know. That's what I can't do anymore.

But ... Your face is filled with confusion and I can see that you are surprised. I was going to stick around forever, right?


I sigh.


Can you really be that blind? Do you really not see what's going on here?

You sigh and put your head in your hands for a moment.

Of course I know, you say, I just didn't want to say anything and lose this, tenuous though it is.

I shrug. Well I can't do it anymore. It meant something to me. And I find it really difficult to believe that it didn't mean something to you too. To be honest, I don't think you're being honest with yourself. But that's your prerogative.


We are silent.


I don't want to lose you, you say.

I shrug.

You already have. I'm already gone.

But you're here, you say, hope tinging your voice.

Only to tell you that I'm gone. You don't understand. You don't know what it's like to think of you every time I see a sex scene in a movie, or see my friends kiss, or every time I get into bed. You're the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the only way I can fall asleep is to imagine your arms around me. I want to text you twenty times a day, and hear your voice ten times a day. I am constantly having flashbacks to us when we were away, what it was like to be able to be close to you, to look up at you while you were inside me, to connect with you like that. And I'm always imagining what it would be like to be allowed to kiss you whenever I like, or sit with you to make it clear that I'm yours.

Do you know what that's like? I'm torturing myself every day with something that can never happen.

You get up and come to sit in front of me. You take my hands.

You're right, I don't know what it's like. But I still don't want to lose you.

What DO you want then? Because I'm confused. Unbidden, tears spring to my eyes.

Gently, softly, you respond You.

Gently, softly, you lead forward and kiss away my tears. When your lips meet mine I can faintly taste the salt. I pull back.

There is no this, you said. There's nothing going on. Did you mean that, or is this just you trying to get some action again?

You pull back, stung, although you know you deserve that. I was far too forgiving the first time we had this discussion.

I meant it then, but I meant what I said now. I don't want to lose you. This tenous thing we have, I don't want to lose it.

But if you knew how I felt, why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't you tell me how you felt?

I was afraid.

So was I. So am I.

But it's me. I'm not scary.

You are terrifying. You are the most terrifying girl, woman, I have ever met. The way I feel about you is ... too raw, to real. I am afraid of living the rest of my life with these feelings, but I know that I cannot live without them.

I stroke my hand along your unshaven face.

Now you know what I mean when I say that it's too dangerous to love people.


You catch up my hand and press it against your face, your eyes closed.

I scoot forward on the bed, wrapping my legs around you, and my arms around you, and pressing my face into your shoulder, drinking in the scent of you, the warmth of you, the feel of you. I feel your arms come up around me, and you inhale the scent of my hair.

We sit like this for some time, breathing together, holding one another. I have never felt so warm, so loved, so safe. So terrified.

You push my curls away from my neck and kiss me gently underneath my ear, moving downwards. My eyes closed, my body relaxes as you move your way across my chest and up the other side of my neck.

You say my name.

Mmmm? I reply.

I love you.

I open my eyes to see you looking directly into mine. In those green depths in which I have already seen so much, I see so much more. Goosebumps rise on my body and I am overwhelmed by the feeling that this is a defining moment of my life.

Simply, undramatically softly, I reply...

I love you too.

You lean in and kiss me again, the salt of my tears gone from your lips. Your hand slides up my back and into my hair as you gently explore my mouth with your tongue. I am content to be kissed for a while, but then I explore back, our tongues meeting, softly probing. You sigh deeply and begin to kiss down my throat towards my chest, covered as it is by my top. You gently kiss down into my cleavage and goosebumps rise over me again. I run my hands over your back and then up to your hair, where I rest them gently as you continue to kiss my body.

With a little moan you stop and look up, shifting slightly. It is only then that I realise that you are hard, pressing against me where our pelvises meet. I grin shyly, you smile wryly.

It’s so much more obvious for boys, I say, leaning forward to nibble your ear and then kiss you softly on the mouth again. You smile.

Stroking my hair back from my face, you look at me intently once again.

I want to make love to you. Softly, slowly this time. The way I should have before.

At this my blood thrills and my heart begins to pound. Tears spring to my eyes again, but this time I wipe them away quickly.

I’m fine, I say, It’s just that I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear you say that.

Softly, slowly, gently, again you push back my hair and again you begin to kiss down my body towards my breasts. My breathing deepens and I feel lightheaded. I lift up my arms as you pull my shirt over my head, and feel my hair tumble down my naked back and shoulders. You kiss me again as you undo my bra without incident. It falls away into your hands and is quickly discarded to the floor.

You cup my breasts in both hands, your thumbs brushing my nipples which are already hard. I lean into you, my hands running up your back and then your front as I lift up your shirt and toss it aside.

Tenderly, you push me backwards onto the bed, kissing me, and I look up at you through my eyelashes and cannot help but smile. What? you ask, your hands caressing my body, my breasts.

Nothing, I smile.

Nibbling at my ear, you begin to work your way down to my breasts with your mouth. Almost instantly I am shivering with pleasure, and I can feel your lips smile against my skin. I lazily trail my hand through your hair as your probe each nipple with your tongue, nip at them with your teeth or pinch them lightly.


I’m sorry, you say as you move back up to eye level. I open my eyes.

For what? I ask.

For hurting you. For breaking your heart.

This time it is I who wryly smiles. Your hands continue to caress me as we speak.

I know you didn’t mean to.

I know you know. But I am sorry. Sometimes I did know what it was I wanted, but I kept talking myself out of it. And I did the wrong thing by you, when we got home. I should have been open and honest and I wasn’t. You are so beautiful for forgiving me.

I’m beautiful anyway, I smile.

You are.


You kiss my deeply on the mouth, your tongue insistently probing deeply. Your hand slides down across my belly and underneath my pants. My breathing quickens again as you press lightly against my underwear and the stroke my inner thigh.

My hips wiggle involuntarily and I open my eyes to see you smiling with delight at me.

I think we should take these off, you say, undoing my pants.

In a tangled flurry of arms and legs and pants and underwear we undress each other completely and are, once again, naked before one another. Once again, I feel no fear, no doubt, no shame, no concern.

You are beautiful, you say, and my heart leaps. I’m not. I’m not conventionally beautiful. I am covered in cellulite and my stomach and hips and thighs are far larger than the average girl, letalone those that grace the covers of the magazines I read. But as your run your hands over me I feel cherished and loved and beautiful.

You move so that you are on top of me, your cock pressing against me, though not inside me yet. You breathe in the scent of my hair, one hand cupping my head to kiss me as the other roams across my body. I lift my arms to embrace you, my hands seeking the warmth and solace of your body – there I feel the hardness of your shoulder, down your back I go and feel the muscles rippling. There I feel the hard roundness of your glutes and in a wisp of thought I realise that I am the softness to your hardness.

Your head drops down once more to my chest, this time more purposefully, less gently, and you kiss and suck and bite at me as you rock your hips against mine. Already I am biting my lip, willing myself not to cry out.

In all this time I have barely touched you. Tonight though, you don’t command me to go down on you, you don’t move my hand to where you want it to be. Tentatively I reach down between us and take you in my hand. Your hand still tangled in my hair you roll to one side so that I am more easily able to touch you. You continue to touch me though. It seems you are everywhere, my mouth, my belly, my neck, my breast. I can’t keep track of you and concentrate at the same time.

I lightly trail my fingers along your shaft and then grab you firmly, stroking. I feel you flex beneath my fingers and mutter into my hair. Relaxing for a moment, you prop your head up on one arm and rest your other arm on my hip, watching my face as I touch you. A little self-conscious, I look back at you until the intensity between us becomes too much and I have to look away.

You laugh, and once again trail your fingers lightly towards my pussy. As if of their own accord, my legs fall apart and I begin to silently beg you to touch me, stroke me, probe inside me.

Using just the very tips of your fingers you gently stroke the outer gates of my pleasure. As I start to twitch you slide your middle finger in oh so slightly, and trail the length of me murmuring about my wetness. Slowly you push deeper, and deeper, and yet deeper, until your finger is rested unerringly on my g-spot. I am surprised. You didn’t figure this one out last time. I spread my legs wider to give you easier access and you move so that you are better angled to not only bring me pleasure, but watch my face as you do it.

You move your finger so slightly and the only way to describe it is as though I am being tickled from the inside. My lower body begins to twitch.

Shhhhhh, you say. Stop. Relax. Be still.

Easy for you to say. I am completely at your mercy. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I take a deep breath and still myself. You begin to rub slowly in a circular motion and my breathing deepens and I begin to whimper. I manage to not move though. My eyes are closed and I am trying to focus simply on the sensations washing over me, in me and through me. Back the other way, your finger pressing slightly harder as you see the effect you are having on me.

Are you okay?

I can’t talk. I can barely breathe. I nod and bite my lip.

Back the other way, again harder. My whole body is twitching involuntarily now. There is nothing I can do. You with draw your hand slightly, running your fingers along my silky wetness and towards my clit, where you tease me by rubbing it gently. My back arches slightly and you press a little more firmly. As I start to shiver you again slide your fingers deep into me, this time pressing more firmly and more quickly. My breathing becomes quicker and shallower and I begin whimpering in earnest. Again you withdraw to my clit where you run your fingers around it, sending me into rapture.

I give a delighted shiver and say your name. You withdraw your hand completely and come back to kiss me tenderly for a while, while massaging my breast. My hands are roaming your body, caught up in your hair, stroking your back, your bum.

Without warning, you begin to kiss me with a passion, with a vengeance. Your tongue probes my mouth insistently, urgently, and my blood quickens. I kiss you back, trying to gather you up into me all at once.

You begin to kiss down my body again, but this time you are purposeful. Gone is the gentle stroking, the tender kissing, the soft biting. Your mouth is hot against my skin, and I feel you biting and sucking and licking and kissing and probing with intensity. You move further and further down my body and before too long your mouth is lurking at the entrance to myself.

Your hot breath against my cunt stirs me and I open my eyes and raise myself up on my elbows only to see you grinning cheekily back up at me.

Can I? Your eyes sparkle.

Shit yes! I reply.

Lie back.

You push my legs up so that my knees are bent and my legs are wide apart. Spreading me with your fingers, I feel your tongue, so warm, slide into me and begin to lap at me like a dog lapping at his bowl of water.

I am awash with pleasure. I am intoxicated by the roughness of your tongue, the heat of your mouth and the very thought of you doing what you are. I am almost lost in it, but then your tongue finds my clit. I shiver.

It feels like you are moving mountains with your tongue, though I know you are probably barely moving at all. But I have been so stirred by your earlier efforts, that now I am on the verge of coming before you even start.

You taste good, you say, and I moan softly and feel your free hand squeeze my thigh, where it rests. Clockwise and then anti-clockwise, your tongue circles my clit, and then every so often you press directly on it. When it seems that I can’t take it any longer, you use your tongue to stroke it insistently, consistently. I have lost all control of my body, my voice, my brain. Whimpers turn to moans in my throat, and my hips buck back and forth. With your free arm you hold me firm and continue to use your tongue. My back arches and I cry out your name and my toes are curling and I have goosebumps and my heart is pounding and in one great explosion implosion burst surge flood rush swell I come, as I never have before. And as my body goes with the aftershocks, I feel you continue down there, licking me deeply and pressing your tongue against my now extremely sensitive clit.

Soon I am able to breathe normally again and I open my eyes to see you placing a glass of water back on the nightstand, half full. You take me in your arms, and though I feel barely able to lift mine, I return your embrace.

Um... thank you, I say, blown away.

You smile. You’re welcome.

I become more serious. No, seriously. Thank you.

No, seriously. Thank you.