While drunk I want to...

a) Eat a whole pizza;
b) Have sex. Lots of it (with you);
c) Text or email all of my friends telling them how shit they've been in terms of supporting me over the past little while;
d) Call my family and tell them that I'm not planning to see them or have anything to do with them over the next six months;
e) Call you and tell you exactly how I feel and what I want to do to you now and when I get to see you, in a very short amount of time.

Things I will do while I'm drunk:

a) Blog, like a pussy wimp; and
b) Go to bed.

Missing you...

I went through this phase the past couple of weeks where when I thought about what I missed about you, it was more about you than the physical side of the relationship. Which is good, because I was starting to worry that I had become completely and totally obsessed with sex, which I really don't want to do. As much as I have begun to accept and appreciate myself as a sexual being and act that out in various ways (like this blog), I don't want that to become what I see myself as and what I see our relationship as. Because it never was. And I don't want it to be.

So I was thinking about how I love talking to you about everything. Be it big or small. The experiences we've had together or the differences in the way we were raised. I love the way you challenge my spirituality and beliefs about the way the world works. And I love that you are challenged by me. And I love the way you make me laugh like no-one else. Not all the time, but in a clever way that makes me appreciate you all the more. I love the way you love me, even though I'm totally and completely nutso. I love how you tease me about pretty much everything we've ever talked about.

And the way that I literally cannot imagine my life without you now. I think about the possibility of us just drifting apart and I know that that will never happen. I don't know how I know it. And it's not just a hope or a desire. I know that you and I will always be a part of each other's lives, as long as we both live. As for the depth of that relationship ... well, that remains to be seen.

But then yesterday, I was driving home from work and my head was filled with thoughts of you. The naughty kind. I'm sitting at the traffic lights and with no conscious effort on my part fantasies are flashing through my head and I'm seriously getting wet and worked up while driving. I'm lucky I didn't have an accident.

Picture me, sitting in traffic, biting my lip, my chest heaving with the shuddering breaths that come when you're touching me. I've got goosebumps, my pussy is clenching at the thought of you inside me, and I have superimposed vision - one is the road on the way home and the other is in your bedroom.

I'm so nervous about what it's going to be like when I see you again, but I'm so excited too.

Sweetness...

This morning I got home in the early hours, took off my dress and lacy undewear and crawled into my bed naked, leaving the wind howling through the window. I pulled the covers up over my head and imagined you there...

"Baby," you said "what's wrong?"
"It just feels safer under here is all".
"Can I come in?"
"I'm naked."
"Okay."
I heard you take your clothes off and felt you slide into bed next to me, your warm skin next to mine as you lay behind me and put your arms around me.

"Why do you have the covers over your head?" you asked as we cocooned in the darkness.
"Because it's cold and dark and it feels better in here."
I rolled over so that I was facing you, my head on your shoulder.
You kissed my forehead.
"You're always safe when I'm here," you said.
"That's what I'm afraid of."

I lay there silently, listening to your breathing, your heartbeat, intertwining my legs with yours and feeling your hand caress me, first down my back, my lower back and then my buttocks.

"You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm not going to hurt you."
"You can't say that for sure. Right now you want to be with me, and right now this is what you want. But you don't know that this is what you'll want forever. And if I'm always safe with you, what does that mean if you're not around anymore? I'll get used to being safe and then I won't be safe anymore."

You sighed and pulled me closer.

"Baby. I want you. I want you now and always."

Softly and slowly, you kissed me. I had my walls up, but you stepped through them (as you always do) and I melted (as I always do) into you. No pressure, no wandering hands, no insistent tongue, you just kissed me, loved me, made me feel safe and warm.

I sighed, giving in, but not yet giving up.
"Why do you want me? I'm broken and difficult and I push you away at every turn. Right now you just want to love me, and I'm too terrified to let you. Don't you want to love someone who will let you love them?"

Pushing my hair away from my face, you looked into my eyes.
"Because you're worth it."

Tears sprang to my eyes, and you kissed them away. Kissing me again, I could taste the salt of my own tears on your lips and the faint taste of mint on your tongue. The covers still over our heads, I wrapped my arms around you tightly, head buried into your neck, savouring the smell of you, the feel of you, the taste of you, the sight of you.

Undemandingly, you kissed my neck, slowly and gently moving your way down to the hollow of my throat, and then back up the other side. I sighed contentedly and ran my hand down the curve of your back and across your rear. You kissed down my neck again, this time not moving back up, but stopping and gently cupping my breasts in your hands. Gently, you moved so that you were positioned on top of me, you looked into my eyes and smiled softly at me, a smile that I couldn't help but return. You brushed your thumbs across my nipples, and I shivered, smiling up at you. Your smile broadened and then you put your mouth down to my right breast, brushing your lips roughly across it, and then teasing with your tongue. Instantly, my breathing deepened, shuddering once, and I could feel you respond, your mouth smiling even with my nipple inside it. You began to do amazing things with your tongue, while still brushing my left nipple with your thumb.

I raised my hands up to your head, pushing my fingers through your hair and closing my eyes, concentrating on the sensations you were creating in me. Soon you kissed your way back up my neck to my mouth, and we were kissing again, this time with somewhat more heat and intensity. Before long you worked your way back down to my left breast, repeating your skill and I shivered again, this time more violently and I could feel myself flexing involuntarily down there in anticipation from what was coming.

As I responded to your touch, I could feel your excitement grow, and when I let out a soft whimper of appreciation for your skills at my breast, I felt you smile once again and heart a soft sound of joy escape from you. I opened my eyes to see you looking up at me, joy and desire intermingling.

Running your hands back up my body, you came gathered me up and began to kiss me again.
"I love you," you said into my ear, and my heart leaped.
Fear and joy rushing through me in equal abandon, I replied "I love you too."

Rolling to one side of me, while still maintaining our kiss, you ran your right hand down my body lightly, brushing across my stomach (my most hated feature) until you reached my upper thighs. Trailing your hand lightly across the soft hair there, down to my inner thighs, you lingered there, gently stroking my legs as you kissed me and then watched my face.

I could barely contain myself. With your hand so close, I could feel myself flexing, willing you to slide your fingers in. I could feel my clitoris growing, and all my concentration began to concentrate down there. You lightly trailed your fingertips across my labia and I opened my eyes again to see you watching me with an amused expression on your face. Before I could say anything, you put your head down to my left breast again, nibbling gently and then more firmly at my nipple, and as my back arched in pleasure, you deftly slid one fingertip in to lightly rest on my clitoris.

I felt my legs begin to tremble slightly. You began to kiss my neck and slowly stroke my clit at the same time. Biting my lip, I tried to relax and not allow myself to make too much noise, but with you concentrating on two of my most sensitive regions at once, I couldn't help but take a few deep, shuddering breaths and whimper twice more. In my ear I heard you whisper: "Tonight, I don't want to fuck you. I'm going to make love to you."

Instantly, the intensity of my pleasure doubled. Those who tell you that sex is purely physical are wrong - the mind is the most powerful sexual organ we have.

You felt me respond and redoubled your efforts below. Firmly but gently, with unerring accuracy, you rubbed that sensitive spot, all the while watching my response. As my whole body began to respond, you slid not one but two fingers deep inside me, and I let out a deep moan. Little could you know that once you had done that, I was yours. Arousing me to that point and then beginning to stimulate deep inside me meant that I wouldn't stop until I had you inside me.

Slowly you slid your fingers inside me and watched me writhe in pleasure. My whole body began to twitch and lying next to me, I could feel your hardness pressing against my leg, the smallest amount of wetness beginning to show.

"I ...want you inside me," I said in a whisper, unable to control my voice beyond that.
"How badly?" you teased me, the amusement evident in your voice. I opened my eyes and looked deep into yours.
"More than I've wanted you than ever before".

I could tell that it wasn't the response you were expecting, and your desire for me doubled. Withdrawing your fingers, you moved on top of me again, kissing me deeply and pulling me close. You pulled away and pushed yourself up, looking down on me and pushing your cock gently against the outer walls of my pleasure.

"Are you sure?" you asked, for some reason, now nervous. I reached up and pulled your mouth down to mine, kissing you with all the intensity I could muster.
"I love you. I want you. Please come inside me".

Slowly, you eased your way into me. You had aroused me so much that my wetness allowed you to slide in with no difficulty. But you still went slowly, each movement slightly deeper than before.

I longed to close my eyes to relish the feeling of you moving within me, but the intensity in yours wouldn't allow it, so this superimposed reality began to create itself around me - the physical sensations of the act centred by the connection between us that was beyond the physical, beyond the emotional.

For the longest time, we just stared into each other's eyes as the climax built around us. Just when I wasn't sure I could stand the intensity any longer, you leaned down to kiss me, longingly, and then bent down to my right nipple to lick and bite and suck. My back arched and I cried out, which appeared to spur you into action. The intensity written on your face, you moved more quickly. I opened myself wider before wrapping my legs around you, willing you deeper inside me. Digging my fingernails into your arms, I closed my eyes and bit my lip as my breathing quickened and deepened until I couldn't help but make noise. As though it was a permission, I heard your own small cries of pleasure, and my eyes flew open to look up at you, eyes closed, lost in the moment. I said your name and your eyes opened and we continued to watch one another, souls connected as our bodies moved as one into the final throes of passion.

My whole body began to shake and I could see the intensity deepen in you. Crying out, I came, and in a moment, so did you. You continued to move in me, slowing, and my back arched every time you timed it with the ripples of my orgasm. You smiled as you watched me, relishing that small control you had to continue my pleasure beyond your own. Then, spent, you lowered your head onto the pillow, resting your body on mine as our breathing slowed and heart rates lowered.

I sighed contentedly and held you close to me. I felt you smile into my neck. Words weren't necessary. We slept.

I dreamed a dream...

Last night I had one of those dreams about you.

It's foggy, and I can remember it only in flashes.

Looking down on you as you reach up to me, gloriously filling me, biting your lip and holding my hips, rocking me back and forward as you enjoy every bit of me.

Looking up at you through my eyelashes as I take you in my mouth, then watching as you disappear into my mouth, down my throat until I can't take anymore. Seeing a drop of wetness emerge, licking it off while savouring the feeling of your hands in my hair and your eyes filled with desire.

Digging my nails into your arms, your back, as I spread my legs wider and you push deeper and deeper. Biting my lip, arching my back and pressing into the pillow, trying not to cry out.

No wonder I'm pulling the labels off bottles.

If you only knew...

Some nights
Most nights
Too many nights

I conjure up your face, your arms, your smell as a talisman against night demons.

I remember your arms around me, fingers in my hair, salty lips. I remember the way you slid my hand down to your hardness, telling me to take control.

I remember you kissing me, sucking me, biting me. And I fall asleep imagining your arms around me.

And some nights
More often than I care to admit nights
I call out your name as I touch myself.

I slide my hands down my neck, imagining your lips there. Across my nipples, now hard, imagining your teeth there. They wander down my stomach to my legs, which fall open of their own accord, and gently trail around my soft inner thigh and across my underpants. And then as I think of you, your crooked smile and cheeky eyes, one finger deftly slips underneath my panties and lightly strokes the wetness there.

I gasp, remembering your touch and the way I willed you to enter me then, but you kept teasing. Slowly I stroke the outer gates to my pleasure, all the while filling my head with you.

Eventually, I can't stand it anymore and I rip off my underwear, and slowly, so slowly, put one finger inside, stroking that small hardness that makes me shiver. I imagine you speaking low into my ear about how you want me to feel, and my stomach leaps and my juices begin to flow. I rub firmly but gently, and recall how I told you I wanted you deep inside me.

Suddenly I slide my finger in deeper and my back arches of my own accord. I fiercely whisper your name as I stroke harder and faster, probing for that sweet spot that will bring my release.

But I know you wouldn't let it rest at that. I know that you would switch between the deep throbbing of me to tickling that oh-so-sensitive spot until I am shaking all over and begging for release.

So I touch myself, my body shaking, toes curling, back arching, imagining you all over me - hands in my hair, lips on my neck and breast and your hardness deep, deep inside of me. My breathing deepens and I begin to whimper, begging you to enter me and make me come.

I imagine you above me, looking deep into my eyes as we come together, imagine you leaning down to kiss me as the waves begin to crash around us. Somehow I manage to have both spots stimulated at the same time, and on the nights when I'm alone I cry your name out loud into the night as I come with such intensity that tears spring to my eyes.

As the ripples spread ever outwards I continue to rub my clitoris gently, shivering each time I make contact. I imagine the smile that would play across your face as you did that, relishing the power and control you have over me in that moment - I lay there naked and completely at your mercy. You lean down and kiss my neck, my nipple, my lips and I lay back, replete, complete.

I wonder what you would say if you knew.